Outdated Blog from like 3 weeks ago.

“Hey Uncle Bernie, do you know where New Zealand is?”
“New Zealand? Doesn’t it lie off the southeastern coast of Australia in the South Pacific Ocean?”
Uncle Bernie may know where New Zealand is, but more Americans than I would have expected have no idea where the island nation is located. Let me give you a quick geography lesson. First imagine that your Uncle Bernie’s fat beer gut is the globe as we know it. That patch of fuzz to the left can be North and South America. Then there’s Europe directly under his right nipple. That big scar from last Thanksgiving’s “Turkey Fiasco,” can be Africa. Asia is the vast carpet of man fur that spreads under his arm and to his back. Now, as unpleasant as it might be, lift up on Uncle B’s girth and search through the shaded nether-regions of his gut. This would be the Southern Hemisphere. That tattoo of the naked fat lady, that’s Australia. And if you look directly to the southeast of the tattoo you’ll see a small red blotchy birthmark. That’s New Zealand. The unsightly birthmark of the world.
As many of you know I have been in New Zealand for the past, oh let’s see now…month and a half. A fairly sufficient amount of time to have at least seen some of the country. The question may have crossed some of your minds as to what I have been doing down here. Even if the thought never entered your head, I’m going to let you know anyways, because I’m just that nice of a guy.  So before I came here, I acquired a work visa. This enables me to be employed for seasonal work while I am here to supplement my income and make the trip affordable. My initial plan: get to New Zealand, buy a car, find a place to live in the mountains, get a job, and ski during North America’s summer. Well everything in my plan has fallen into place except for probably the most important factor. I haven’t been able to get a job. I have applied at nearly every hotel, motel, restaurant, bar, and hobo shack in town and still haven’t been able to secure employment. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I figure it’s got to be one or all of a few reasons. One: I’m American. Two: I’m ugly as fuck. Three: Kiwis are dicks.
Just ‘cause I’m bored lets explore each of these reasons one-by-one. One: I’m American. It is a fact, I was born in the U.S. of A. And it seems like this would be a good thing. The cultures are very similar, in fact, a lot of the TV here is imported from America. So I don’t have to miss all my old favorites from the States such as Dr. Phil and the Fresh Prince of Bellaire. However, I am starting to figure that this is how Kiwis form there opinions of Americans, through our exported TV shows. They see that I’m American and immediately assume that I own a lot of guns and have a vast amount of personal wealth. Neither of these is true, even though sometimes I wish they were.
I am starting to believe that Kiwis are just plain jealous of our boisterous American lifestyle that they get to watch on TV, but can’t have. In America we drive huge SUVs fully loaded with TVs, video games, and leather seats. In New Zealand they drive shitty old cars imported from Japan. In America, we have millions of immigrant workers to do all the work deemed undesirable by our pompous pop-culture. In New Zealand, there are no Mexicans to do the shitty jobs; white people do all types of work here. Cleaning, hard labor, cooking. You’d think I’d be able to secure a job doing a task that an unskilled Mexican worker could do, but so far, I have failed even at this. I have to admit, it has been somewhat humbling.
Okay, on to the second reason. I’m an ugly bastard. While this may not be completely true, I have been known to be somewhat “bum-like” in appearance. I don’t always shave, or wash, or wear clean clothes, but I think letting personal hygiene slide a little now and then is liberating. If you don’t have a job, why not look like a bum. That way you can look back on yourself years from now with your kids and say, “Yeah, those were some tough times back then. Sure, I got to go to New Zealand, but the trade off was that I lived in destitution. Eating out of trash cans, shining rich men’s shoes for couple dimes, fighting off the rats for a place to sleep. You kids are lucky these days, what with your fancy beds and clean clothes.” And they’ll believe me because they’re kids and kids are easy to fool. So to complete my reasoning, I don’t look nice, because I don’t want to.
Reason three; Kiwis are dicks. Why are they dicks? Because they won’t give me a fucking job! I guess I don’t really have any other facts to back this one up. It’s still a valid reason though.
So if you’re an ugly American and are planning to move to New Zealand to work, don’t do it. They’ll deny a job to a rich American just to spite them. ‘Cause they’re dicks.