Rockin' the 'Stache!

Lately I have let my hair grow long and my mustache fill in thick. This is a look that was popular in the 70s, and now is making a comeback here in the, uh…what are we in now? The 00s? Or is it the aught’s? You know, old time talk for zero? Like, “Back in 19 aught 6, the President was Theodore Roosevelt.” Anyways I’m not sure if it is really popular or not, I just know that I like it, and I’m not changing it for a while. One thing though, is that I have noticed a difference in what people will say to me now that I have long hair and a ‘stache. Back when I had a straight forward conservative cut, most people thought I was a square and some sort of conforming bitch. Now that I’ve let it all hang out, I’ve noticed many people from the fringes of society have less inhibitions about approaching me for things less savory. Plus I work at a liquor store, where inhibition and hedonism begin anyways.

Me: “Hello, sir, do you need any help finding anything?”

Shady Looking Customer: “No thanks, man, but hey, do you guys sell any pipes here?”

Me: “Pipes? Uh…no, sir. We don’t have any pipes here. This is a liquor store.”

Shady Looking Customer: “Right, well, do you know where I could get one?”

Me: “Hmmm…no, not really. I don’t smoke pipes. Maybe a tobacco store?”

Shady Looking Customer: “No man, not a tobacco pipe. You know, one for that other stuff.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m terrible at guessing games; can you spell it out for me?”

Shady Looking Customer: “Getting’ high, man! Come on! Is there any where I can buy a pipe for some drugs, man?”

Me: “Ooohhhh…I got ya. Well sir, the crack epidemic ended here in early 90s, but I’m sure you could fashion some sort of drug smoking device out of an empty plastic pop bottle from our dumpster out back.”

I find it much more fun to look the way I do and act like a completely upstanding citizen. I know it catches some people off guard. I was routinely asking one guy if he needed a bag for his booze and he jokingly replied, “A bag? Of what? How much? You sellin’ weed?”

Realizing his retarded humor, I replied, “Weed? What’s weed? I just want to know if you need a paper bag for your purchase today, kind sir.”

“Nah, man, I was just fuckin’ with ya. You need to loosen up.”

Another point for the moustache! The 70s porn star look also comes off as completely creepy to many women, which is also fun. I’ll just be doing my job and ask a young lady if she needs any help finding anything. And she’ll start by glancing up at me and doing a double take, then saying, “Oh…uhhhh…no. No thanks, I’m fine.” At which point it is my duty to reply, in a low sultry tone, “Well, if you think of anything…I’ll be standing right over here watching you, so...uhh...just let me know, okay?” At which point they usually leave the store.

So, yeah, if you have the chance, I suggest growing a moustache and long hair at least for a few months, it’s pretty fun. Plus every time you look in the mirror it looks so damn cool!