Rockin' the 'Stache!

Lately I have let my hair grow long and my mustache fill in thick. This is a look that was popular in the 70s, and now is making a comeback here in the, uh…what are we in now? The 00s? Or is it the aught’s? You know, old time talk for zero? Like, “Back in 19 aught 6, the President was Theodore Roosevelt.” Anyways I’m not sure if it is really popular or not, I just know that I like it, and I’m not changing it for a while. One thing though, is that I have noticed a difference in what people will say to me now that I have long hair and a ‘stache. Back when I had a straight forward conservative cut, most people thought I was a square and some sort of conforming bitch. Now that I’ve let it all hang out, I’ve noticed many people from the fringes of society have less inhibitions about approaching me for things less savory. Plus I work at a liquor store, where inhibition and hedonism begin anyways.

Me: “Hello, sir, do you need any help finding anything?”

Shady Looking Customer: “No thanks, man, but hey, do you guys sell any pipes here?”

Me: “Pipes? Uh…no, sir. We don’t have any pipes here. This is a liquor store.”

Shady Looking Customer: “Right, well, do you know where I could get one?”

Me: “Hmmm…no, not really. I don’t smoke pipes. Maybe a tobacco store?”

Shady Looking Customer: “No man, not a tobacco pipe. You know, one for that other stuff.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m terrible at guessing games; can you spell it out for me?”

Shady Looking Customer: “Getting’ high, man! Come on! Is there any where I can buy a pipe for some drugs, man?”

Me: “Ooohhhh…I got ya. Well sir, the crack epidemic ended here in early 90s, but I’m sure you could fashion some sort of drug smoking device out of an empty plastic pop bottle from our dumpster out back.”

I find it much more fun to look the way I do and act like a completely upstanding citizen. I know it catches some people off guard. I was routinely asking one guy if he needed a bag for his booze and he jokingly replied, “A bag? Of what? How much? You sellin’ weed?”

Realizing his retarded humor, I replied, “Weed? What’s weed? I just want to know if you need a paper bag for your purchase today, kind sir.”

“Nah, man, I was just fuckin’ with ya. You need to loosen up.”

Another point for the moustache! The 70s porn star look also comes off as completely creepy to many women, which is also fun. I’ll just be doing my job and ask a young lady if she needs any help finding anything. And she’ll start by glancing up at me and doing a double take, then saying, “Oh…uhhhh…no. No thanks, I’m fine.” At which point it is my duty to reply, in a low sultry tone, “Well, if you think of anything…I’ll be standing right over here watching you, so...uhh...just let me know, okay?” At which point they usually leave the store.

So, yeah, if you have the chance, I suggest growing a moustache and long hair at least for a few months, it’s pretty fun. Plus every time you look in the mirror it looks so damn cool!

Blogging for Blogs Sake

I've done a little tweaking to my blog. I realized it was sort of drab and boring in appearance, so I added a picture of a monkey at a typewriter. I think it works well. A monkey could probably write better blogs than most people, including me. I thought about maybe adding a real picture of me or where I live, but I couldn't resist the monkey. Plus, I don't want all you freaks out there to know who I really am, though if you are reading this, you probably know me anyways.

I think I'm gonna go skiing today, at least that's what I told myself this morning and here it is near noon and I haven't left yet. I feel bad for people who have to pay to ski. It really has become a millionaire's sport. I work at the resort so I ski for free, which I think is the only way to ski. I could not afford to ski here in Jackson if I had to buy lift tickets or even a season pass for that matter. A season pass is like 2 grand, which is ridiculous. I like to think of all the other stuff I could buy with 2 grand instead of the services of a chairlift. I could go on a badass vacation somewhere here in the U.S. for 2 grand.

I work at a liquor store and yesterday I was trying to focus on some "up-selling." So while I was working the cash register I would casually ask people if they wanted a little something extra to go along with whatever else they were buying. Someone would bring up a 12-pack of beer and i would ask, "Would you like a pint of whiskey to go with those beers?" This didn't work how I thought it would and most people just asked me, "Why?"

Uhhh....'cause it tastes good and it'll get you drunk.

I probably just asked the wrong people. You gotta scope out who you're dealing with. Mostly it's the same people everyday, so next time I'll save my little sales pitch for the hardcore alcoholics. "You know what goes great with a 40 of Old English? A pint of Dr. McGillicutty's Mentholmint Schnapps. How 'bout it?"

"Ahh...sure what the hell."

For anyone who watches the Simpsons, this is indeed inspired by Apu and his up-selling inquiry of, "Would you like some vodka with that?" And the customer goes, "Ahh...sure what the hell."

Funny. Unfortunately most people who come into a liquor store know what they want and what they can afford. Lots of people choose to buy pints of alcohol everyday instead of saving themselves some money and buying a fifth or a half-gallon. Maybe they need a more discreet small bottle for drinking at work or while driving. That's my guess at least. And it's not really a guess.

Which brings me to another curiosity of the job. I always ask people if they want a bag for their booze and some people like to think they are funny and say, "Nah...I'm gonna drink it on the way home. Just kidding." For some reason they think I care. I usually tell them to go for it. Especially since I've heard this joke many, many times.

Okay...I guess I gotta go skiing now.