It's a Damn Dirty Job

Think back and try to remember the last time you stayed in a pretty nice hotel. You were probably on vacation somewhere, just kicking back and relaxing, not worrying about anything. Drinking some cocktails by the pool or eating out at a nice restaurant. Sounds like it was pretty nice, eh? Did you ever stop to think about who cleaned your room? Or maybe you didn’t notice that your bed was made for you everyday, or that the dishes were clean, and fresh towels were replenished. And how about that huge shit you took after devouring that bucket of greasy fried chicken. Some one had to clean that toilet after you punished it so unjustly. Or if you’re like me, maybe you didn’t care to think about it.

Now I am on the other side of the equation. I would have never thought of cleaning hotel rooms in the U.S., however, I have found myself with few other options for employment here in New Zealand. So I had to swallow my pride, hitch up my pants, grab the toilet brush and start scrubbin’. I actually find that I don’t mind cleaning that much, but there are a few things about the job that can really gross you out if you actually stop to think about them. I have decided to share them with you here.

When you are entering a room to clean it, the first thing you always notice is the smell. I never would have thought this about hotel rooms, but after people stay in them, no matter if it is only a night and no matter how clean they are, the room still smells. And everyone smells different, yet always unpleasant. Everyday I enter at least one room that makes me nauseous. People fuckin’ stink.

Next you get to paw through the food that the guests have left behind like starving dogs. I am able to feed myself pretty well by just eating other people’s left over food. I find lots of cereal, pasta, and on occasion some alcoholic beverages.

Some times you have to clean the room while the people’s stuff is still there. Pretty much just to clean up after their sloppy asses. I hate this part the most. People love to trash hotel rooms. It is pretty gross to see how some people live. Usually all of their dishes are dirty and scattered around the room. In the units with kitchens, the pans are all dirty with some unrecognizable shit burned to the bottom. I am supposed to clean this kind of stuff, but usually I say screw that. My mentality is that if people make a big mess they should either be willing to live with it or clean it up themselves. Apparently the guests don’t agree since the bitch to the management all the time about how their rooms aren’t clean. Someone should tell them that the place wouldn’t be a shit hole, if they hadn’t made it that way.

There are some perks though. I get to work unsupervised and it is pretty easy to just chill and watch TV if you are really hung over. Though the other day I had the hangover from hell. I don’t know what I did, but I was so fucked up I could barely work. I usually agree with the school of thought which teaches that being hung over is no excuse to not come to work, but I don’t know if I’ve ever been this hung over and had to work before. I was able to grind out a couple hours of slow work until I started puking ever 30 minutes. I tried to eat lunch and couldn’t keep it down. I puked in about 4 different toilets that day, luckily no guests were in their rooms when I was, because they would have been in for a surprise when the grungy looking room cleaner (me) made a mad dash for the toilet and could then be heard heaving his guts out. Though that would have been pretty funny.

I can picture myself emerging from the bathroom, drenched in sweat, wiping vomit from my lips with the back of my hand, looking like complete shit and saying, “Oh…sorry ‘bout that. I’m not exactly feeling tip-top today. Heh-heh. Don’t worry though, I’ll clean it up. I always do.”