MAN-EATING BEAR BLOG!!!

This blog post is going to contains some extreme bear content so I used all capital letters in the title.

I went on a hike today, much like any other hike I have been on. A nice sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. I had decided to hike in Teton National Park. Also not unusual since it is a short drive away. It began like any other hike, greeting the other hikers with a friendly hello, stopping to take some pictures of the scenery. Eventually though I realized I had not seen any other hikers for a while. I noticed that I was very alone on the trail, which sometimes causes me to become a little nervous. This is, after all, bear country. But I have never seen a bear since I have been here. I was beginning to think that maybe they don't really exist. They could just be some crazy story made up by old timey mountain men. Large furry creatures, with razor sharp claws and blood stained fangs. Wandering the forests looking to feast on the flesh of lost hikers. It was starting to seem less and less more likely that I would ever see one. However, this day I would learn the horrible truth. Bears do indeed exist.

I was following a trail across an open meadow area at the base of a mountain. Just as I was beginning to enter the forest again, I saw it. I lumbering mass of muscle and teeth caught my eye. At first I couldn't believe it. Could the legends be true? A feeling of dread filled me from head to toe as I came to face the reality of the situation. It was in fact a real live bear. I stopped dead in my tracks, praying to Jesus that the bear had not spotted me. No such luck. The bear raised his nose to the air, screening it for a scent. He instantly smelled my foul odor and his head suddenly snapped straight towards me. His blood red eyes locked onto mine. I couldn't move. I was paralized with fear. The bear sensed this immediately. He had found himself his next meal. He began to move towards me. As he emerged from the forest I realized what I was really up against. The bear must have been over two thousand pounds. The ground shook as he stomped through the foliage, from each paw protruded four razor sharp claws, 9 inches long each. Its muscles rippled as he shortened the ever shrinking distance between us. All I could think was that this was the end. I have lived a good life and now this bear is going to decapitate me in one mighty blow. The bear walked all the way up to me, sniffing at my head, toying with me. He raised up on his hind legs, blocking out all sunlight. It must have been 16 feet tall. It then let out a mighty roar that shook the entire valley. His hot breath - stinking of raw flesh - blew my hat right off my head. The bear looked down at me with his fangs glistening. His mouth salivating in anticipation of his favorite meal, human flesh. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable, hoping that the bear would kill me quickly so that I would not have to endure the pain of being eaten alive. And then . . .

Well I must have survived if I wrote this blog. However, I will not bore you with the details of my miraculous escape. Needless to say, I won't be going hiking again for a while, at least not without my shotgun. And let this blog be a lesson to anyone thinking of going out in the woods alone. BEARS ARE REAL!!!

Death to Summer

It's finally September, the official end of summer. I hate summer. Every summer all I do is work and if I do have any spare time, its too hot to move, so I just lie in a puddle of my own sweat. Yes, September I'm so glad you are here, I could kiss you. However I won't, due to the fact that you are a non-physical entity and kissing you would be impossible. This fall I'm going to piss away all the money I earned by taking a trip to Europe for 3 weeks. Upon my return I will be enjoying the life of the unemployed for a month or two. Sitting on my ass and collecting a bi-weekly government check. Then winter will come and it will be time to ski again! I will get some low paying ski resort job in order to secure a free season pass. I won't need to spend any money, 'cause I won't be going anywhere until spring. That's the plan and hopefully I get to stick to it.